So March First

 I got motivated. It was the first of the month, it was a Monday. Wonderful day to start my new lifestyle change for the second time... That day came and went, without sucsess and here is is March 4th, which personally is also a wonderful day to start... but I didn't.

 I have put this off and put this off. Why? You see, about 5 years ago I weighed probably 200 pounds. I am 5 foot 1 inch tall. So this is VERY heavy. I had four kids pretty much back to back and each time I would lose a bit, I would get pregnant and eat for 2 (or 4)

 I drank soda like it was water, and still ate like a pregoo until I realized I was FAT. I felt fat, I looked fat, and I could not wear anything cute, it was all "old lady" things from the plus size section. So one day I just woke up and I did something about it. I quit soda, dropped 10 pounds. Easy. Then I started to work out, and eat right, and I was down to 131 pounds at one point. I could have stood to have lost a bit more but I looked good. I was certainly not fat. I felt good. I got looks and I was not ashamed to go out and dress up a little.

 So then, somewhere along the line. I gained some weight, wanted to lose it, but would fall off track and gain a little more... So now I got to where I am now. 170 pounds, well 169 but why not just round up? I do NOT want to hit 200 before I do something again. I look fat, I feel fat, I am tired ALL.THE.TIME. Walking up stairs is torture. This is bullshit.

 Yet each day I tell myself I will start, and at some point early on, fuck up and say "well tomorrow I will start" This needs to STOP. I need to get a grip. I want to feel good, I want to look sexy, I want to RUN up stairs and not be out of breath. First things first though... I want to put my pants on, button them, and do that, without having to lay on my bed!

 I am in groups where people have been on my side, telling me I am still pretty lade da. I have had people give me the hard truth to suck it up, get up and do it. JUST FUCKING DO IT CLORIE. But every time I feel like I have let them down and I feel crappy and I don't do anything about it.

 I think now, maybe I realize I need to do this, for ME again. Because I want to look good, because I want to feel good, because I want to hear those "oh wow, you look great, what are you doing" comments. Because I do not want to realize that person I have not seen in a while and know just KNOW They are thinking how I have gained weight. I do not want to be ashamed or scared to go into the school to get my kids because I feel fat. I want to have the confidence I have had before.

 So what am I going to do about it? I am going to take it ONE day at a time. Its all you can do. I am going to drink water, workout, eat smaller portions of better options, and I am going to realize even if I screw up once that day, the whole day is NOT blown. Pick right back up. I have done this before. I can do this again! I can do this for myself, I have to do this.


 Yesterday I armed myself with shoes. New shoes. I wore them to work today so they are broken in. Tomorrow I will jog. I might not jog far, or for long, but I will get better, each time, and that is what matters.

 So starting tomorrow. I will begin. I will try to update this, and show my wonderful progress on this blog. For myself, to go back and look, and see what I have done wrong and what I have done right.